Recently I had a medication review at the GP surgery after dropping in my repeat prescription for diazepam. In truth, my sciatica has been fading pretty quickly since it was started. However, I haven’t failed to notice the secondary benefits that come from benzodiazepines.

The doctor who reviewed my medication was not the same one who prescribed it; and it’s always frustrating having to retread your original consultation, especially to someone less sympathetic and generous with their prescription pad.

Despite the fact that the doc grew up in the same part of Wales as my good self, she wanted to keep hold of the diazepam she was slinging, whereas I was adamant that she stick to the original one-month prescription plan and re-up me forthwith.

I left the appointment with my repeat prescription feverishly clutched in my hand. This shit is the bomb!

I have now constructed my own prescribing guide to the current circumstances in my life:

Going out on the lash and feeling like giving the finger to medical advice and drinking while on sedative medication: 6mg

Evening jogging session 2mg

Work football tournament: 8mg

Sleep-in shift with colleague you’ve started to detest and have spread a nickname round the office for (Scrappy Doo): 6mg

Work disciplinary hearing: 6mg

Day shift with co-worker who recently ripped your heart out and tossed it into a bramble bush: 4mg, possibly rising to 6mg if heart flutters start

Insomnia: 2mg

Hairdresser appointment: 2mg

Diazepam: is there nothing it can’t take the edge off?

Apart from withdrawal symptoms.