A colleague in work recently discussed with me her experiences of internet dating. Like most people I’ve discussed internet dating with they’ve (a) not found true love and (b) have had negative experiences.
By the truckload.
Despite this, internet dating is widespread, and in terms of popularity (and success rate) it’s probably up there with, say, dieting.
Realising potential blog fodder, I decided to get in on the act.
But with a slight twist.
Rather than taking a hammer to my own self-esteem, I uploaded a fake female profile to a dating site, reasoning that there’s only so much fun I want to have at my own expense; and I really needed to guarantee some material for the planned post.
But where to upload the profile?
There could only be one place.
www.adultfriendfinder.com, as recommended by BCUK’s own resident lover of the fairer sex, Safriz.
Sex contact sites purport to offer a world of instant shags, all available within a few clicks of a mouse button. But the truth is far from that.
The ratio of heterosexual men to women on sex contacts sites is estimated at more than ten fellas to every chick. So whereas men go on contact sites in the expectation of finding a population of gagging for it gals, the reality is that women can afford to be even more selective and picky than they might be in real life.
And boy do they need to be.
To guarantee an abundant response I made clear I was (a) just out of a relationship and ready to let my hair down and (b) was up for anything.
Plus I had my super sexy profile pic.
But before ‘my’ sexy snap was approved by the site administrators, my inbox heaved like ’my’ corseted bosom.
While I was prepared for cock shots and the like (even though these and phone numbers are supposed to be initially screened on AFF), I was quite taken aback by the messages that came my way (pun intended).
Letting down the narf Lahhden massive big time was Soppy4u5:
hi ladies am jason in north london looking for sexy nostrings fun come over and lets meet i love to have fun in the outdoors on the bus train park bench as people are about or maybe we meet at the bar we betend we dont know each other we might even end up in the pub toilets
Jason clearly has a different idea of enjoying the great ourdoors than most.
Or maybe you ladeez would prefer a south Londoner, like SElondonse10:
Sexy photo i would love to have fun with you, do you like a big dick x
Perhaps something more exotic might be your thing. All the ladeez know the French are so romantic, like Bigfrenchcock3:
Fancy a taste of France
By that I don’t think he had a baguette in mind. Or maybe he did...
After a few days of scanning the messages in my inbox, I was exhausted. While it’s nice to feel popular, it started to feel somewhat overwhelming. Some messages would be short and to the / their point, whereas others would be thesis length or demanding why I hadn’t replied, like John’s message below:
Hello again Anna,
Do hope this message finds you keeping well
I must admit that I am truly most disappointed you have sadly decided not to respond to the lovely messages I sent you and especially to the long one I sent you yesterday, not quite sure why though, as I feel that at the very least, it deserved a nice thanks-but-no-thanks such a real shame indeed
I was actually truly hopeful about you/us if I'm honest, as for some odd reason, had a really strong warm feeling about you since coming across your profile. Guess I may have been wrong about this one after all... oh well, c'est la vie I guess
Anyway, I nevertheless wish you all the very best and hope you find whatever it is you are searching for.
If you regret not getting back to me, then you know how to reach me.
Needless to say that if I have got the wrong end of the stick (which if course may well be the case) then I am truly sorry and would really love to still hear back from you
Love,
John xxxx
I was tempted to send a Dear John letter of my own, stating I had about 300 messages in my inbox, so no offence if I might have overlooked his first message and not replied. The other notable thing about John’s rather submissive message after checking his initial emails was that he had written in the hope of being my dom!
One other repeated theme throughout the messages was men stating how much they loved to give oral, often within the first, second and third line (assuming there was actually a line beyond the first and the cock shot). We may well be in a recession, but I don’t recall cunnilingus being rationed. Maybe Nuts and Zoo have provided a ‘How to bag a bird’ booklet in a recent issue, and have put “say you love to go down on ‘em” at the top, but a large amount of the messages I received seemed to be under the impression they were offering date dynamite simply by saying this.
Of all the messages I received, one stood out by a long way, although receiving a sex CV does mean you stand out amongst the cock shots. I’d like to think it was meant to be tongue in cheek, but Bill Smith’s profile picture made me think otherwise:
SEXUAL EDUCATION
1979–1985 Masturbation – virtually constantly – passed with honours.
EXPERIENCE
1985–1992 Mutual Masturbation with various partners – Improved over time.
1992–2007 Mutual Masturbation, Oral and One-on-One sex with Woman who became my wife.
2007-Present Sexually Inactive.
2009 Signed up to Passion.com in order to alleviate the above.
INTERESTS
I love to lick and suck a clitoris to point of orgasm. I am a complete gentleman and have never, apart from a few mishaps early in my career, had an orgasm before my partner.
I am both attentive to a woman’s needs and very demanding of my own. My ultimate ambition is to complete a “grand slam” (oral, pearl necklace, “doggie” and anal) in one night with one person. Please note, my cock never goes anywhere my tongue hasn't been first. I would, obviously, ensure that person had more orgasms than me; I am very proficient with battery operated toys.
Ah, yes. Us guys all have those ‘mishaps’ early in our 'careers...'
Bill even put references down, one of whom was his wife. As this was the wife who has stopped having intercourse with him, it might be worth obtaining if you’re thinking of offering him the job.
Due to the volume of responses I refrained from getting into a dialogue with anyone, although on one occasion I couldn’t resist, after Niceguyforu10 told me:
you need a good sapnking x
To which I replied:
You need a good spellchecker.
After a week or so I’d had around 3000 page views and hundreds of messages. I hadn’t even gone on a date, let alone got laid, and I was fucked. Despite getting a good insight into the shag psyche of my own sex I hadn’t been too appalled, until I received a message from the appropriately named Darkthoughts 32.
Mr Darkthoughts decided to send me some erotica, as writing pornographic material was a hobby of his. I wasn’t quite prepared for the 2500 word gangbanger tale he sent me, which, ahem, climaxed with the following paragraph:
You are handcuffed back to the headboard and your legs held apart by tying your ankles to a rope running under the bed. Over the next few hours we all use you as our toy. You are fucked endless times, your swollen minge dripping all over the bed. You are covered in spunk, over your face, tits and hair. The final act if for you to receive two cocks being forced into your pussy simultaneously whilst you suck on the 11 incher.
This was the first message I received from him. I did check my profile again in case I'd inadvertently typed "love being gangbanged" instead of "GSOH!!!", but hadn't in fact made this rookie error.
Now, guys, imagine going up to a woman in a bar and launching into the above spiel within the first minute. Since when did managing a sex life online mean that it’s ok to skip the subtleness and gentlemanly conduct?
After wading through messages like the above for a few more days I began carving notches into my misanthropic bedpost. It was like being made to watch Ron Jeremy’s entire filmography and having to see every single one of his cumfaces in slowmotion, with a director’s commentary.
Still, I wasn’t the only one finding the virtual world of sex contacts hard to deal with. One guy messaged me to complaint that:
So i recently joined having heard good things about this site, only to discover it is full of crack heads and wierdo's.
One message finally tipped me over the edge and broke my no rude messages vow. I think there’s only so many photos of smug balding thirtysomething men and their cockshots you can look at before going all Andrea Dworkin.
Being sent a gloating 'let’s fuck in a hotel while my wife thinks I’m at a conference' fantasy convinced me I should retaliate with one of my own:
Dear fitman4u12
Glad to hear you have an active imagination! I thought I’d send you a fantasy of my own...
You arrive home, somewhat disheartened, after being stood up by your potential NSA extramarital affair fuck buddy. As you walk in through the door you can hear laughter and deep moans coming from the bedroom. You race up the stairs, into the marital boudoir, and find Russell Brand fucking your wife up the ass. Jonathan Ross is taking pictures, and sweating... although manages to get a great shot of your crestfallen face for his private collection as you enter the room.
Now, how was that for you?
