I’ve now been in a relationship for three months, and a mate texted me over the weekend to ask if things were “serious” yet.

I think things are somewhere in-between “quite serious” and “serious”, but thought I’d give the matter some serious consideration.

I decided to think rationally, weigh up the pros and cons and see whether or not being in a “quite serious to serious” relationship was a good thing.

The pros

No.1
It is the ultimate trump card in any argument I have with my billy-no-shags mates. A friend of mine during the Champions League final was having a pop at me for being an "armchair MUFC glory boy", as if getting United tickets is as straightforward as going to watch Crystal Palace (on a good day, you can have an entire stand to yourself at Selhurst). After taking note of the many months that had passed since his last sexual encounter, and pointing to the porn dvd left on top of his player, I couldn’t resist twisting the blade and, borrowing his description, observing that these days he seemed to be having something of an armchair sex life.

No.2
If I bump into someone I mildly used to fancy, I can now act as if they meant nothing at all by using the phrase “my girlfriend” as often as possible in conversation. It also means I don’t have to feign attentiveness when in the company of attractive but boring women. Someone I met recently told me I was “rather quiet today”, when in fact I just couldn’t be bothered to listen to her continuing series of mini-lectures on herself.

No.3
If I go shopping, and forget something on the list, and my darling is due round that day, I can always ask my love to pick up the missing item on the way round. Especially good if it’s something embarrassing (e.g. condoms).

No.4
Perfect excuse for getting out of unwanted social invitations. The “my girlfriend has plans” line may well be bullshit, and make me look henpecked, but it’s already got me out of one work do! Hooray for appearing henpecked!

Cons
No.1
Having to tidy my flat on a regular basis. I feel like I could overdose anytime on the combination of bleach fumes and misdirected Mr Muscle spray. The drudge of hoovering and washing up is totally cutting into my leisure time. I am giving serious consideration to employing MJohnson’s cleaner. He only pays her 50p a week, so I might well offer to triple her wages and promise not to laze around naked while she cleans (which I have it on good authority he does on a regular basis).

No.2
The cost of (decent) contraception. It’s not just food and petrol that seems to be increasing the cost of living these days. It’s like a bleedin’ tax on virility! I'm generally for recycling, but not in this case.

No.3
Wearing (decent) contraception. Whatever happened to femidoms? The pill? Coitus interruptus?

No.4
My spine seems to be contracting from sharing the bed with my girlfriend on a regular overnight basis. I asked a married friend if this gets better. He said it does, although I'll swear he's lost a couple of inches in height since his marriage.

Having weighed up the pros and cons in an entirely rational manner, I’m thinking that despite all the cleaning, expense and hunchedbackness that comes with being in a relationship, it’s worth it if it means I can carry on taking the piss out of anyone I know in the middle of a sexual drought. Which reminds me that I forgot to buy condoms again!